So, I had a therapist appointment coming up, and I look forward to these. A few days before, I started the monthly “holy hell, why do I have to go through this?” My dysphoria is worse during this time, I’ve hated it since I went to my first sex ed class in 5th grade (fucking liers, “doesn’t hurt” my ass). Anyways, my kiddos are still on summer break so they go to the appointments with me, but don’t come into the room itself.
I was grumpy, sad, in pain and very short tempered. Then, in the next room, my kids start fighting. We can hear everything. I was so distracted and had to go stop them twice. This made the whole appointment very tricky. I don’t think we got to talk about all the stuff we wanted to touch on that day. (sarcasm warning) What an awesome end to an awesome week.
This made me wonder what other genderqueer and trans folk go through. I’m not on T and don’t know if and when I might start. I know there are some out there that are still quite happy with their periods. I, however, was terrified of it as a kid, and it really is terrible for me. Ask my SO and he’ll tell you how unhappy I am….he had to live through the manhattan project so lovingly named depo provera. I remember about 20 minutes of that three month hell.
As far as speaking with my therapist, she was very reassuring that what I was feeling was not abnormal, my questioning of self. Once a month I don’t know what I am, who I am, whether my life is a lie, whether what I am feeling is true or not. Confusion, dysphoria, pain….I used to take a medication that would knock me out. I could take it, curl up and sleep through it. Luckily the physical pain is no longer that severe, but the mental pain, that’s a different story.
Yes, that rambled. No I’m not sorry. I feel better now.